I have to remind myself to look up from my book once in a while, to make sure I don't miss my stop. From page one this book got my full attention. On the cover is a quote by Julia Roberts that reads: "It's what I'm giving to all my girlfriends". My sentiments exactly! I only just started reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, but on my commute to work I've already invoked envy on the faces of fellow travellers while I'm reading with a wide-smiled grin on mine. From the corner of my eyes I've seen other women secretly trying to steal a glance at the cover. It has always puzzled me somewhat that we're not "allowed" to be openly curious about a book someone's reading and obviously enjoying when we're commuting. As soon as you look up, people tend to look away. Strange, huh?! But that's another topic altogether. Or is it? I'll let you decide for yourself...

Elizabeth Gilbert writes about her journey - one woman's search for everything. Even though at the age of 31 she had "everything" in the conventional sense of the word - a house, a husband and  trying for a baby - she still cries out when she's hiding out her bathroom at night. Alone in her struggle, it takes a long and painful time to come to terms with her truth. The truth is that she doesn't want all this. Though she doesn't know what it is that she does want. And that's just it: like so many of us, she's been consumed with living the "everything" she learnt to want, that she finds it extremely difficult to figure out what it is that she really wants for herself.

"The greatest danger, that of losing one's own self, may pass off quietly as if it were nothing; every other loss, that of an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc., is sure to be noticed" -  Soren Kierkegaard

Elizabeth Gilbert is certainly not alone in this, which is probably one of the reasons why her book is a bestseller. Our society just doesn't teach us how to figure out what we truly want. It doesn't teach us how to actualise our unique potentials. Instead, we grow up adhering to rules, regulations. The belief systems, the norms and the values of generations that came before us become our own invisible matrix. We too will eventually start living and putting forth the truths instilled in our culture, without really questioning their logic.

So how come our self passes off quietly, as if it were nothing? Simply because we haven't been taught how to listen to it! It hasn't been given strong and compelling enough meaning. At least not as strong as following convention, and looking to others for approval. I'm sure you can remember what it was like in primary and secondary school. Fitting in meant wearing the right clothes, hanging with the right crowd, and behaving in a certain way. The focus being on belonging to a particular group, being seen, feeling validated. After all, who wants to be an outcast?  

"Man is a gregarious creature, more so in mind than in body, he may like to go alone for a walk but he hates to stand alone in his opinion."

If we want to own our own choices and decisions, we will need to say goodbye to old ideas and belief systems that have been our invisible friends for the longest time. Paving your own path, rather than the many travelled and safe one, comes with its challenges, though. In fact, if you want to self actualise and live your highest potentials, perhaps one of the biggest challenges you face is to own your own authority and transcend conventionality.

Transcending all things conventional is scary. One of the deficiency needs of Maslow's pyramid of self actualisation is the need to belong, to be loved. And isn't conformity the way we have all learnt to fulfil that need? If we don't conform, we risk walking alone. If we're not ok with this "aloneness", we'll only be able to unleash our potentials to the extent that it still conforms to what we believe is expected of us.

Owning your own authority might sometimes mean disappointing loved ones who have certain expectations of us. That means letting go of the responsibility we feel for them and taking on responsibility for our own needs. It also means that at times, we will not "belong" to others in a conventional way. And we might no longer be able to act in line with the roles others have ascribed to us. Our environment, the people around us, could label this as "ego-centric", "selfish", or "individualistic" - because that's what it might look like to those who want you to conform and "do the sensible and right thing".

"They must find it difficult... Those who have taken authority as the truth, rather than the truth as the authority." - Gerald Massey

Developmentally we start out with an external locus of control, meaning that we look to others for knowing how to behave and respond. Yet as we grow into adulthood, that external locus of control should somehow be brought inside so we can determine our own path in life. This is what Elizabeth Gilbert had to do. She had to accept and own her truth, be her own authority. And like her, I have had to learn that myself as well. This has definitely not been an easy process. It has actually been a bumpy ride, in which I've stumbled and fallen quite a few times before I finally got some clarity (and clarity still being a relative concept here).

In my ongoing quest to unleash my highest potentials, I went to a training on self actualisation last December. My focus was to unlearn "being dominated by others" (you can tell from the language that I didn't fully own my authority!). Over the course of three days I explored and discovered the layers of meanings that held my submissive behaviour in place. At one point I heard myself saying: "I don't want to be dominated any longer." That was my first truth.

As I then climbed the layers of my more unconscious truths about this, something happened that left me surprised and had me internally responding with "whoops!". Because if I want to own my own powers and to be fully responsible for myself, it occurred to me that I had to stop controlling others as well.  And all of a sudden I found myself confessing that I had been trying to control and dominate others as much as the other way around! Aahhh, doesn't that just make you smile?

The thing is, there wasn't a big difference between the submissive or the authoritative. Two sides of the same coin. In both cases I had placed my sense of control outside of myself. This meant that I felt the need to "manipulate" my environment because in giving others authority over my choices, I had to wait for them to agree on something I'd want. It's like going for a walk. When you walk with others everywhere you go, you'll have to wait until they're ready.

The trick I had to learn was how to distinguish between self and other, and then own fully and completely what's mine. But what's mine and what's yours? Anatomically it all seems so easy - it's merely a question of nose and toes. Anything beyond your nose and your toes: not yours! Behind it, yours! Yet I have become so used to the focus on other versus self, that I frequently find myself "out there" again. However, I can tell you that being the author of my own biography is compelling enough to stay disciplined and optimistic in my journey!

...As I hop off the train, reluctantly putting my book away, I turn on my iPod for a leisurely walk to the office. Alanis Morissette kicks in with "To All the Boys I've Loved Before" - a tribute to "all those lovely human beings who have influenced me over the years, and supported me in writing all the beautiful songs that I've written". It reminds me to be thankful to all those beautiful people - and not just the boys -  who have travelled in and out my door. Thankful also to those who will enter my door in the future. For it's in relationship with others that we can learn how to author our autobiography of right now...

“No, you’re wrong” I said, “I really am in love with him. Seriously!” I could see her face fill with disbelief, and I really resented her for that. Her expression said it all, and my resentment stemmed from the fact that it resonated way too strongly with the truth in my heart. At that point I wasn’t ready for the truth. For reasons completely psycho-logical, I stayed with him for over two years after that. Many times he asked me whether I was in love, and many times I lied. Although the way in which I behaved spoke the truth. The “official reason” for breaking up was that he cheated on me. And in the traditional sense, I can say that I remained faithful throughout. But really, who would I be kidding then?!

This whole concept of infidelity is incredibly intriguing to me. Not only how we arrive there, but even more so how we as a society deal with it. Ever since I was a little girl, hearing the way grown ups talked about it, it has really puzzled me. To me there’s always been something very disturbing about the way we taboo it, how we judge it and as a result try to sweep it under the rug – rather than accepting the reality of it (without judgment!) and then being able to explore the structure behind it. In the world of love and relationships, we have ended up drawing conclusions that will get us no where but in a state of isolation and exclusion. Men are made out to be incurable womanizers, megalomaniacs, narcissists and commitment phobics who can only think with their “other brain”. Women supposedly are better liars, which is why in the past they were often not seen as the ones who cheat. Although statistics now tell us otherwise.

We all get up on these really high horses and exclaim outrage and fury when we hear of someone being unfaithful. The result being that instead of empowering the person who is cheated on, we help them remain in a state of victimisation by bashing and figuratively pimp (or bitch) slapping the other person from here to eternity. On top of that, we completely forget that there’s a person behind the "unfaithful" behaviour. They should repent and get back in line! So when you search the internet, the only “help” that offered is to the “injured” party. Men and women who have done the “unspeakable”, literally have to silently go through their tornado of emotions. No help is offered in their state of confusion and fear, as they are banished to emotional exile.

As gratifying this judging, looking down on it, and gossiping might feel sometimes, does this way of framing (in)fidelity serve us as a whole? Does it speed our growth to a community of self-esteemed individuals who take responsibility for themselves, and have enough ego-strength to also be responsible to others? Will it create an open space of communication where we all speak up about that which is in our hearts? Does it teach us ways in which we can hear someone’s truth whilst not taking it personally? Do we really want the truth behind it to be “under rug swept”? I’m inclined to answer “no” to all of these questions.

So what if we could look at this phenomenon from an entirely different perspective? What if it was possible to rise above the current societal norms and values that merely encourages secrecy, and thereby seems to act as its own self fulfilling prophecy?

In my opinion, we have a misconceived notion of what it means to be faithful and what we need to be true to. And it is this misconception that leads us to stray from our Self long before we give into the temptation of secretly straying from our partners or spouses. Traditionally speaking, the focus is often on the act of having sexual relations with someone other than our partner. And since that kind of behaviour is deemed inappropriate, considering the promise we’ve made, being unfaithful is met with anger and disgust by us as a society. It often becomes the centrepiece of argument and discussion if we own up to it. This certainly clouds our vision from seeing it for what it really is: a symptom. What we should really be ruthlessly compassionate about is the root of the problem. And it’s that kind of truth and honesty that both parties should be faithful to, not just one.

The thing is, if we were to look at infidelity from a different perspective, there doesn’t even need to be a third party involved. No, I’ve seen many of us (myself included) hide out in our comfort zones, never actively giving into passion. We might secretly dream of it, though, as we lie to ourselves and the world. But by ignoring and denying our wishes and dreams, our innate needs and wants, our unfaithfulness isn’t only to the other person. No, we betray our own purpose and heart’s calling. From my own experience, it is similar to totally eclipsing our heart. And in doing that, we are depriving everyone from living a life that is synchronised and strong of heartbeat.

So in a broader sense, one could argue that the act of being unfaithful starts the moment we stray from our hearts and fail listen to it. The word fidelity means adhering firmly and devotedly, as to a person, a cause or idea. As we enter into a relationship we promise to be faithful to each other, but who has ever promised to be faithful to him/herself? To adhere firmly and devotedly to self? Why don’t we promise each other to be faithful to ourselves? After all, isn’t that what love’s all about, that we’d want the other person to flourish and self-actualise? For them to have what their heart so desires, and then unite and synergise it with ours? Or is that too much to ask?

Because somehow, we seem to have infused ourselves with the belief that “having it all” is totally unrealistic. Through years of indoctrination, and adopting external thought viruses as our own, we have learnt to inhibit ourselves from listening to our own inner voice and wisdom. Not just in love and relationships, but for life in general. I know, though, that deep down you’ll feel that itch. There’s something that’s urging you to listen. And that inner voice is persistent, however faint it might be.

So perhaps what we need to learn is how to be faithful to our hopes and dreams. This doesn’t come cheap and it’s certainly not easy. In it we will be challenged, scared, and we’ll have to deal with many uncertainties about the future. It also means that we’d need to take full responsibility for ourselves and our own happiness, and not depend on others to do it for us. Nor will we take on the responsibility for theirs. Once we’re faithful to ourselves, though, we can also stay in fidelity of others and the world. The kind of fidelity where we challenge them to be the best they can be, to be faithful to their own creative wisdom. And that’s the kind of fidelity I’d like to teach my children and many future generations to come. How about you?

(If you'd like to read more about how to commit to Self, you can read my article "The Edge of Comfort" on www.noneuclideancafe.com at the end of this month!)

 

It was once thought that a vein or nerve ran directly from the left ring finger to the heart. A ring worn around that finger symbolises a union that is to last forever, the roundness of the ring representing eternity. Ah, the beauty of Love. It starts with a meeting of the minds and a beating of the hearts. Its taste as sweet as a nectarine that has had the opportunity to ripen in the warm Californian sun. Its melody enchanting and inviting us to dance. An intimate dance that turns into a proposal. And in that state of mind we say: "I do".  We promise to love, honour and respect each other from now until the end of time. Or until death do us part, whichever comes first.

Unfortunately, as time goes by, minds can travel in different directions. And what started as a synchronised beating, hearts can slowly begin to follow a separate rhythm. We stop looking in the depths of each other's eyes. The passion that once was, gets replaced with the frustration of unmet expectations and a feeling of not being understood. Which in turn leads to resentment, giving up, and even indifference. Sometimes that just happens for one of the two, and the other is left with a yearning. Fierce and raw at first, but later on textured with sad surrender. And rather than holding one another in the hollow of our hands, we hide out in the far corners of the bed. A dream once shared is forgotten. Swallowed by the waves of everyday life, it has made its way down to the bottom of the ocean.

Instead of staying connected and maintaining a sense of curiosity, we'll play the blame game or the game of silent suffering. Acting contemptuous and handing out one-way guilt trips, or closing up like an oyster and treating someone to loud and angry silence. Or with vacant and hollow eyes we might just go through the motions, and as a result we flat line the heartbeat of the days of our life. Amazingly, this can go on for years on end and nothing significant really changes. Rather, we maintain a certain status quo that is held in place by the myths we are taught by society or family and we adopted as our own. Secretly hoping for the end of time or for things to magically change. We think the other person is responsible for the fulfilment of our dreams, or for the fact that we have lost touch with them. The voice-over of a Desperate Housewives episode called "My Husband, The Pig" beautifully illustrates this interesting phenomenon. 

At the Beginning

Take a drive down any street in Suburbia. Know what you're gonna see? Desperate women. That's right...one unhappy housewife after another, each completely miserable...in her own unique way. But I don't want to talk about them. No, I want to talk about their men and what happens to a guy when that special lady in his life starts to lose it.

At the End

Take a drive down any street in Suburbia. Know what you're gonna see? A bunch of guys wearing the same expression. It's a look that says: "Oh, crap. My dreams are never gonna come true. I'll never have a life free from scandal. I'll never have a son of my own. I'll never hold her in my arms again. I'll never get to tell her how I feel." Yeah, the suburbs are filled with a lot of men who have given up hope. Of course, every once in a while you do come across some lucky SOB whose dreams have all come true. You know how you spot them? They're the ones who can't stop smiling. Don't you just hate those guys?

How come we end up doing this to each other? And to ourselves for that matter? Is that honour? Respect? Love? Why do we settle for these kinds of relationships that we make bearable by focusing our attention on our hobbies, our work or our children, even if that means that with each day that passes we're growing ever further apart? Not only from the other person, but more importantly from our innate self as well. How come we stop listening to the other person and start mind-reading, expecting the worst and complain that the other person will never change? What gets us to lie and convince our self that things are ok? And what will it take for us to stare reality in the face, lay all our cards out on the table and decide where to go from there? Wouldn't we all love the inability to stop smiling?

So what makes this guy different from others, this lucky SOB whose dreams have all come true? Did he miraculously happen to hit the marital jackpot without his own doing? Here's a crazy idea: Perhaps it is something that he is actually creating for himself! Perhaps he has taken ownership over his own life and actively committed to the pursuit of his heart's calling, in life as well as in love. And maybe, just maybe, we could be lucky SOB's too! If so, what would make you start smiling uncontrollably at life? What kind of life is it that you are after? And what kind of relationship will be a reflection of that? After all, we live in an age where we have the freedom to choose our own paths, more so than a few hundred years ago.

You see, in the history of time, the institution of marriage was needed (or so we thought) to create a safe environment in which the perpetuation of the species was ensured and bloodlines were protected. It created a stable system of rules that handled the granting of property rights. An ancient Hebrew law even required a man to become the husband of a deceased brother's widow. Not so much a romantic engagement, but more for the purpose of economical insurance. Back in those days love wasn't a necessary ingredient. In fact, Joseph Campbell in "The Power of Myth" states that it wasn't until the Twelfth century that the notion of "courtly love" was introduced in the institution of marriage. (And thank God for that, right?!)

Nowadays the decision to spend your life with someone isn't so much about protecting bloodlines or the perpetuation of the species. So marriage doesn't have the same function it used to. In fact, these days we don't even need a contract to spend our life with someone. What kind of function does it then have? We live and love in a time where men as well as women can get satisfaction and build financial independence through work. We can engage in meaningful conversations with our friends and family, and feel safe and rely on them. What intention could we have for spending our life with that one special person? Isn't it intimacy, romance and passion that we look to make real in this world with that certain someone? Don't we all want someone to carry us in his/her heart? Isn't that why love songs and romantic comedies sell so well? If so, what would happen if you could have that not only at the start of a relationship, but for the entire duration of it?

"In fact, at this point in history, the most radical, pervasive, and earth-shaking transformation would occur simply if everybody truly evolved to a mature, rational, and responsible ego, capable of freely participating in the open exchange of mutual self-esteem. There is the 'edge of history.' There would be a real New Age." Up from Eden, p. 328, Ken Wilber

Moving way beyond the notion that we are merely here to perpetuate the species or to create economic stability, I also like the idea that we enter into a love relationship so we can help each other grow and self-actualise, because that's what love does. It's supposed to give wings to those who cannot yet fly. And once we learn how to fly the relationship's the wind beneath those wings. I wonder how the union of two people could become an expression of integral living: being an individual with one's own purpose in life to share with the world, and at the same time creating something more because you have decided to enter into an "open exchange of mutual self-esteem". A place where we are able to connect and unite, and create something beyond what we ourselves could have ever imagined. And then sharing that with the world, being part of the collective actualisation of the entire human race.

So what if instead of having to keep up appearances, we could have a brutally honest and ruthlessly compassionate conversation with one another about our heart's desire? What if we focused on helping each other self-actualise, as well as our self? And what if we could stop holding the other hostage in our web of expectations, because they go against reality and their own benefit? Because it goes against our own benefit! Wouldn't it be wonderful if instead of trying to carve out of others the image we long for, we'd encourage them to express their uniqueness? And what if we first and foremost treated and conversed with our self in this way?  Now wouldn't that be amazing?

As you ponder this kind of love, think about this: "You only have a limited number of heartbeats that you get to spend. It's up to you how and where you spend them."* At opposite corners of the bed, or standing side-by-side conquering the world together?

* Quote by Judith Delozier, proudly swiped by Joseph Scott...and now by me :)

It had been a solid hour of searching the streets of San Francisco and I was getting a bit queasy by now. I wished I had just gone to that Greek place next to my hotel. But at that time I was confident that my intuition would guide me through the city of queers and quakes and ultimately serve me with the best Italian pizza I had ever tasted. For some reason, my mind was dead set on pizza but so far all I could find were Burgers joints, American Diners and Chinese fast food restaurants. I was really getting hungry, though, so I was about to give up on my search and go with the golden arches. As I thought of quitting, however, I noticed something in the corner of my eye. A sign on the window that read “Little Joe’s”. Sounded like another hamburger to me, but beneath it said those magical words: “Italian restaurant”. Woohoo! Pizza! Finally! Unfortunately, they didn’t have that wonderful flattened bread baked in a stone oven and filled with mozzarella cheese, fresh vegetables and lovely tuna fish. Sometimes we are looking to find something and we get something else. We get the unexpected, the wonderful serendipities of life. In this instance, I was fortunate to be treated to something far more fulfilling than any pizza could ever offer: the generosity and gallantry of a couple of rednecks.

That’s what they called themselves as they introduced themselves to me: Rednecks from Reno. A term, I later found out, used to describe the stereotype of a backwoods: dim witted and bigoted, whose idea of a gourmet meal is six-pack of beer, a bag of pork rinds and a can of Copenhagen. These four guys sat at the table next to mine and when they found out I was having dinner all by myself, they invited me to join them. They were anything but the tobacco chewing and spitting descendants from Neanderthals. Admittedly, there was some chewing and spitting of tobacco involved…but they didn’t have bad manners or showed any signs of closed mindedness. Instead, they were gallant, charming, fully authentic, and they treated me like a lady.

Where I’m from, we can pride ourselves on the equality of men and women in the work force, but you’re lucky if a guy holds the door for you. Equal rights at work have meant equal everything. You might think I’m generalizing here, but the truth is: To the Dutch, chivalry is as extinct as the Bengal Tiger!

And I can’t help but wonder: are we really emancipated? If emancipation is the process of setting oneself free, are we really? Could it be that in working towards equality of men and women, we fought for a certain freedom and lost something else in the meantime? Or rather, just created an entirely different doctrine?

Women of the 1980s fought for their rights to be equal, to break away from the traditional view that women belonged at home chained to the kitchen cabinets and taking care of the kids. Fighting against a male dominated culture, struggling their way up to the top positions in organizations, demanding equal payment and career opportunities.

These passionate, fearless and empowered women have paved the way for a younger generation of successful women, like myself. They have definitely earned our respect and we owe them a lot. Breaking through the glass ceilings hasn’t been an easy task. However, I do wonder whether we might have lost something valuable on the way. Could it be that in breaking free the “female” in us got rejected as much as the doctrine that focused on the superiority of the male? Confusing the (especially in the workforce) negatively ascribed meanings of what is “typical female” with the actual behavior. And by extension, might we have gotten a bit paranoid that being treated like a lady became synonym for being patronized and devalued by the “male chauvinist pig”?

In fighting the phallocentric nature of society back in those days, I think we can all agree that we did move away from something that wasn’t honoring women as individuals with their own dreams to fulfill. It was necessary to stick up for ourselves. Inequality was a fact of life and had to be confronted. But in turning away from such oppression through anger and rebellion, what were we moving towards? Did it lead us women to our Selves and our heart’s desires? I don’t think it fully did. In my opinion, the way this oppression has been confronted, left those who wanted to be on top to shy away from emotions and softness. Thinking perhaps that was the only way. That we had to be strong no matter what and turn away from “weakness”. Fighting fire with fire. Rather than showing the world that our qualities are our strengths, they became something else. Acting more “masculine”, the only way to be seen equal to a man. In that way, I am inclined to say it’s a lot more like masculinism. Why call it anything but that, because for some of the natural (and perhaps more female) tendencies of what culture has dubbed “feminine”, became taboo as a result of this movement. Killing the romanticism in both men and women.

Personally I love my qualities as a woman. I also love chivalry in a man, even though I can take care of myself. I consider myself lucky rather than a feminist, for not having to wear a bra. I love being financially independent, which doesn’t mean that I won’t fully indulge in the pleasure of having the guy pick up the dinner bill. I’ll graciously accept. And even though I consider myself a born leader in self actualizing the world, I love it when a man takes charge and sweeps me of my feet. When I celebrate my right to pursue my career goals and ambitions that stem from my heart’s desire, I fully embrace the fact that I was born a woman and all the qualities that naturally come with it. There’s both masculine and feminine in me. One does not negate the other. They’re not mutually exclusive. And one certainly isn’t stronger or weaker than the other.

Rather, they are behaviors that were labeled in such a way that it has created polarity and invited either-or thinking instead of both-and-and thinking. Whether you’re a man or a woman, when looking at it as just actions, they just become more or less appropriate given a certain context. Just like a doctor in the ER has to stay cool and distanced, this doctor would have a problem connecting if acted the same way in a love relationship. There’s a time and a place for everything.

Some of the feminists who cracked through the glass ceilings are now realizing they have boxed themselves in. They realize something is missing. Wondering whether there’s more to life, they’re looking for ways to synergize their femininity and masculinity. Transcending gender as it were, and becoming a human being regardless of gender. One of those feminists is Naomi Wolf. In 1991 she published a book called “The Beauty Myth”, in which she attacked the fashion and beauty industries for exploiting women. It was this book that helped launch a new wave of feminism in the early 1990s. A little over a decade later she wrote another book: “The Treehouse: Eccentric Wisdom From My Father on How to Live, Love and See”. In it she describes her midlife crisis and how she found her way back to the wisdom and poetry of her father. Something she had rejected for a long time, because she thought it was the opposite of what she stood for. There was no room for poetry in her life.

Her father, who she describes as a wild old visionary poet, believes that the heart’s creative wisdom has a more important message than anything else, and that our task in life is to realize that message. He rejects “-isms”, as he is convinced they create boxes in which we become confined. They’re like personal enclosures of an individual soul, or an entire nation or era. And he speaks of breaking out of the box, so as to unleash our inner creative wisdom, our soul, to the world. We are more than our labels, our identities or our gender. We’re not our indignities, our successes, our failures. Nor are we our bodies, our obsessions, our futures, and our culture. We’re more than that!

Naomi Wolf shares with us that all her adult life she had tried to use words to make change in the real world; She had believed in “us” and “them”: “the patriarchy”, “corporate collusion”, “the right”. Fighting for outcomes and getting caught up in the fire and flames of it. And then she asks the following question: “Was fighting my only reason for being? Was there a way to integrate politics and poetry, mind and soul – feminism and humanism – to make something larger than the sum of each principle?”

Moving beyond feminism and humanism, and into…transcending yet including gender? Being a woman, and at the same time more than that. Being a man, and at the same time more than that. What if we focused on the process of becoming aware of our Self, and the way to discover our own innate creative wisdom – regardless of gender? What if we were to unleash the process of self realization during which we integrate all (masculine and feminine) in search for totality of our Self? Now that’s something to think about…