Total Eclipse of the Heart – On Faithfulness and Fidelity

“No, you’re wrong” I said, “I really am in love with him. Seriously!” I could see her face fill with disbelief, and I really resented her for that. Her expression said it all, and my resentment stemmed from the fact that it resonated way too strongly with the truth in my heart. At that point I wasn’t ready for the truth. For reasons completely psycho-logical, I stayed with him for over two years after that. Many times he asked me whether I was in love, and many times I lied. Although the way in which I behaved spoke the truth. The “official reason” for breaking up was that he cheated on me. And in the traditional sense, I can say that I remained faithful throughout. But really, who would I be kidding then?!

This whole concept of infidelity is incredibly intriguing to me. Not only how we arrive there, but even more so how we as a society deal with it. Ever since I was a little girl, hearing the way grown ups talked about it, it has really puzzled me. To me there’s always been something very disturbing about the way we taboo it, how we judge it and as a result try to sweep it under the rug – rather than accepting the reality of it (without judgment!) and then being able to explore the structure behind it. In the world of love and relationships, we have ended up drawing conclusions that will get us no where but in a state of isolation and exclusion. Men are made out to be incurable womanizers, megalomaniacs, narcissists and commitment phobics who can only think with their “other brain”. Women supposedly are better liars, which is why in the past they were often not seen as the ones who cheat. Although statistics now tell us otherwise.

We all get up on these really high horses and exclaim outrage and fury when we hear of someone being unfaithful. The result being that instead of empowering the person who is cheated on, we help them remain in a state of victimisation by bashing and figuratively pimp (or bitch) slapping the other person from here to eternity. On top of that, we completely forget that there’s a person behind the "unfaithful" behaviour. They should repent and get back in line! So when you search the internet, the only “help” that offered is to the “injured” party. Men and women who have done the “unspeakable”, literally have to silently go through their tornado of emotions. No help is offered in their state of confusion and fear, as they are banished to emotional exile.

As gratifying this judging, looking down on it, and gossiping might feel sometimes, does this way of framing (in)fidelity serve us as a whole? Does it speed our growth to a community of self-esteemed individuals who take responsibility for themselves, and have enough ego-strength to also be responsible to others? Will it create an open space of communication where we all speak up about that which is in our hearts? Does it teach us ways in which we can hear someone’s truth whilst not taking it personally? Do we really want the truth behind it to be “under rug swept”? I’m inclined to answer “no” to all of these questions.

So what if we could look at this phenomenon from an entirely different perspective? What if it was possible to rise above the current societal norms and values that merely encourages secrecy, and thereby seems to act as its own self fulfilling prophecy?

In my opinion, we have a misconceived notion of what it means to be faithful and what we need to be true to. And it is this misconception that leads us to stray from our Self long before we give into the temptation of secretly straying from our partners or spouses. Traditionally speaking, the focus is often on the act of having sexual relations with someone other than our partner. And since that kind of behaviour is deemed inappropriate, considering the promise we’ve made, being unfaithful is met with anger and disgust by us as a society. It often becomes the centrepiece of argument and discussion if we own up to it. This certainly clouds our vision from seeing it for what it really is: a symptom. What we should really be ruthlessly compassionate about is the root of the problem. And it’s that kind of truth and honesty that both parties should be faithful to, not just one.

The thing is, if we were to look at infidelity from a different perspective, there doesn’t even need to be a third party involved. No, I’ve seen many of us (myself included) hide out in our comfort zones, never actively giving into passion. We might secretly dream of it, though, as we lie to ourselves and the world. But by ignoring and denying our wishes and dreams, our innate needs and wants, our unfaithfulness isn’t only to the other person. No, we betray our own purpose and heart’s calling. From my own experience, it is similar to totally eclipsing our heart. And in doing that, we are depriving everyone from living a life that is synchronised and strong of heartbeat.

So in a broader sense, one could argue that the act of being unfaithful starts the moment we stray from our hearts and fail listen to it. The word fidelity means adhering firmly and devotedly, as to a person, a cause or idea. As we enter into a relationship we promise to be faithful to each other, but who has ever promised to be faithful to him/herself? To adhere firmly and devotedly to self? Why don’t we promise each other to be faithful to ourselves? After all, isn’t that what love’s all about, that we’d want the other person to flourish and self-actualise? For them to have what their heart so desires, and then unite and synergise it with ours? Or is that too much to ask?

Because somehow, we seem to have infused ourselves with the belief that “having it all” is totally unrealistic. Through years of indoctrination, and adopting external thought viruses as our own, we have learnt to inhibit ourselves from listening to our own inner voice and wisdom. Not just in love and relationships, but for life in general. I know, though, that deep down you’ll feel that itch. There’s something that’s urging you to listen. And that inner voice is persistent, however faint it might be.

So perhaps what we need to learn is how to be faithful to our hopes and dreams. This doesn’t come cheap and it’s certainly not easy. In it we will be challenged, scared, and we’ll have to deal with many uncertainties about the future. It also means that we’d need to take full responsibility for ourselves and our own happiness, and not depend on others to do it for us. Nor will we take on the responsibility for theirs. Once we’re faithful to ourselves, though, we can also stay in fidelity of others and the world. The kind of fidelity where we challenge them to be the best they can be, to be faithful to their own creative wisdom. And that’s the kind of fidelity I’d like to teach my children and many future generations to come. How about you?

(If you'd like to read more about how to commit to Self, you can read my article "The Edge of Comfort" on www.noneuclideancafe.com at the end of this month!)