A New Way of Relating in LOVE

It was once thought that a vein or nerve ran directly from the left ring finger to the heart. A ring worn around that finger symbolises a union that is to last forever, the roundness of the ring representing eternity. Ah, the beauty of Love. It starts with a meeting of the minds and a beating of the hearts. Its taste as sweet as a nectarine that has had the opportunity to ripen in the warm Californian sun. Its melody enchanting and inviting us to dance. An intimate dance that turns into a proposal. And in that state of mind we say: "I do".  We promise to love, honour and respect each other from now until the end of time. Or until death do us part, whichever comes first.

Unfortunately, as time goes by, minds can travel in different directions. And what started as a synchronised beating, hearts can slowly begin to follow a separate rhythm. We stop looking in the depths of each other's eyes. The passion that once was, gets replaced with the frustration of unmet expectations and a feeling of not being understood. Which in turn leads to resentment, giving up, and even indifference. Sometimes that just happens for one of the two, and the other is left with a yearning. Fierce and raw at first, but later on textured with sad surrender. And rather than holding one another in the hollow of our hands, we hide out in the far corners of the bed. A dream once shared is forgotten. Swallowed by the waves of everyday life, it has made its way down to the bottom of the ocean.

Instead of staying connected and maintaining a sense of curiosity, we'll play the blame game or the game of silent suffering. Acting contemptuous and handing out one-way guilt trips, or closing up like an oyster and treating someone to loud and angry silence. Or with vacant and hollow eyes we might just go through the motions, and as a result we flat line the heartbeat of the days of our life. Amazingly, this can go on for years on end and nothing significant really changes. Rather, we maintain a certain status quo that is held in place by the myths we are taught by society or family and we adopted as our own. Secretly hoping for the end of time or for things to magically change. We think the other person is responsible for the fulfilment of our dreams, or for the fact that we have lost touch with them. The voice-over of a Desperate Housewives episode called "My Husband, The Pig" beautifully illustrates this interesting phenomenon. 

At the Beginning

Take a drive down any street in Suburbia. Know what you're gonna see? Desperate women. That's right...one unhappy housewife after another, each completely miserable...in her own unique way. But I don't want to talk about them. No, I want to talk about their men and what happens to a guy when that special lady in his life starts to lose it.

At the End

Take a drive down any street in Suburbia. Know what you're gonna see? A bunch of guys wearing the same expression. It's a look that says: "Oh, crap. My dreams are never gonna come true. I'll never have a life free from scandal. I'll never have a son of my own. I'll never hold her in my arms again. I'll never get to tell her how I feel." Yeah, the suburbs are filled with a lot of men who have given up hope. Of course, every once in a while you do come across some lucky SOB whose dreams have all come true. You know how you spot them? They're the ones who can't stop smiling. Don't you just hate those guys?

How come we end up doing this to each other? And to ourselves for that matter? Is that honour? Respect? Love? Why do we settle for these kinds of relationships that we make bearable by focusing our attention on our hobbies, our work or our children, even if that means that with each day that passes we're growing ever further apart? Not only from the other person, but more importantly from our innate self as well. How come we stop listening to the other person and start mind-reading, expecting the worst and complain that the other person will never change? What gets us to lie and convince our self that things are ok? And what will it take for us to stare reality in the face, lay all our cards out on the table and decide where to go from there? Wouldn't we all love the inability to stop smiling?

So what makes this guy different from others, this lucky SOB whose dreams have all come true? Did he miraculously happen to hit the marital jackpot without his own doing? Here's a crazy idea: Perhaps it is something that he is actually creating for himself! Perhaps he has taken ownership over his own life and actively committed to the pursuit of his heart's calling, in life as well as in love. And maybe, just maybe, we could be lucky SOB's too! If so, what would make you start smiling uncontrollably at life? What kind of life is it that you are after? And what kind of relationship will be a reflection of that? After all, we live in an age where we have the freedom to choose our own paths, more so than a few hundred years ago.

You see, in the history of time, the institution of marriage was needed (or so we thought) to create a safe environment in which the perpetuation of the species was ensured and bloodlines were protected. It created a stable system of rules that handled the granting of property rights. An ancient Hebrew law even required a man to become the husband of a deceased brother's widow. Not so much a romantic engagement, but more for the purpose of economical insurance. Back in those days love wasn't a necessary ingredient. In fact, Joseph Campbell in "The Power of Myth" states that it wasn't until the Twelfth century that the notion of "courtly love" was introduced in the institution of marriage. (And thank God for that, right?!)

Nowadays the decision to spend your life with someone isn't so much about protecting bloodlines or the perpetuation of the species. So marriage doesn't have the same function it used to. In fact, these days we don't even need a contract to spend our life with someone. What kind of function does it then have? We live and love in a time where men as well as women can get satisfaction and build financial independence through work. We can engage in meaningful conversations with our friends and family, and feel safe and rely on them. What intention could we have for spending our life with that one special person? Isn't it intimacy, romance and passion that we look to make real in this world with that certain someone? Don't we all want someone to carry us in his/her heart? Isn't that why love songs and romantic comedies sell so well? If so, what would happen if you could have that not only at the start of a relationship, but for the entire duration of it?

"In fact, at this point in history, the most radical, pervasive, and earth-shaking transformation would occur simply if everybody truly evolved to a mature, rational, and responsible ego, capable of freely participating in the open exchange of mutual self-esteem. There is the 'edge of history.' There would be a real New Age." Up from Eden, p. 328, Ken Wilber

Moving way beyond the notion that we are merely here to perpetuate the species or to create economic stability, I also like the idea that we enter into a love relationship so we can help each other grow and self-actualise, because that's what love does. It's supposed to give wings to those who cannot yet fly. And once we learn how to fly the relationship's the wind beneath those wings. I wonder how the union of two people could become an expression of integral living: being an individual with one's own purpose in life to share with the world, and at the same time creating something more because you have decided to enter into an "open exchange of mutual self-esteem". A place where we are able to connect and unite, and create something beyond what we ourselves could have ever imagined. And then sharing that with the world, being part of the collective actualisation of the entire human race.

So what if instead of having to keep up appearances, we could have a brutally honest and ruthlessly compassionate conversation with one another about our heart's desire? What if we focused on helping each other self-actualise, as well as our self? And what if we could stop holding the other hostage in our web of expectations, because they go against reality and their own benefit? Because it goes against our own benefit! Wouldn't it be wonderful if instead of trying to carve out of others the image we long for, we'd encourage them to express their uniqueness? And what if we first and foremost treated and conversed with our self in this way?  Now wouldn't that be amazing?

As you ponder this kind of love, think about this: "You only have a limited number of heartbeats that you get to spend. It's up to you how and where you spend them."* At opposite corners of the bed, or standing side-by-side conquering the world together?

* Quote by Judith Delozier, proudly swiped by Joseph Scott...and now by me :)